Ragnorak

As our story begins, Quistis Trepe, a SeeD from Balamb Garden, is working furiously to try to repair a heavily damaged ship. But this is no ordinary ship. This is the Ragnorak. The damage done to this ship wasn’t from a battle or an attack. The one who caused THIS damage goes by the name of-

“SELPHIE!!!!” Quistis shouted, “WILL YOU PLEASE PRACTICE WITH YOUR NUMCHAKUS SOMEWHERE ELSE?!!”

“Huh? What’s that Quisty?” Selphie Tilmitt asked, turning around. She had been standing there for over an hour, twirling her numchakus and then smacking it against a broken part of the Ragnorak, producing an extremely annoying loud ring.

“Selphie! Please! I’m TRYING to fix this dang ship! Practice somewhere else!” Quistis said.

“How did the Ragnorak get all hurted again? I forgot.” Selphie scratched her head, trying to remember.

“Well, a certain somebody wanted to listen to the radio, but accidentally pressed the ‘self destruct’ button instead.” Quistis answered.

“Who was that dorkus?” Selphie asked. Quistis sighed.

“Selphie, I need to work. PLEASE go somewhere else.”

“But Quistis…” Selphie began.

“Go.”

“Awe, come on!”

“Go!”

“But!”

“GO!”

“B-”

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”

“Alright!” Selphie said cheerily. Turning around, she left. Quistis let out a breath.

Wandering around idly, Selphie wondered what to do. She walked past Rinoa Heartily’s door, and paused. Not waiting for an invitation, she barged on in.

“GOOD MORNINGGGG!!!” She cried. Rinoa almost had a heart attack.

“Selphie!” She scolded, “Do you know what knocking is?”

“Hey! I’ve heard of that!” Selphie said.

“Really?” Rinoa raised an eyebrow.

“No! What is it?” Selphie asked. Rinoa shook her head.

“Nothing Selphie.” Just then, Rinoa’s adorable dog, Angelou, padded out of its doggy door.

“PUPPY!!!!” Selphie cried. “Dawww!!! Do you want a tummy rub? A bone? A flea bath?” Rinoa stared as Selphie did everything but worship the dog. “Awww!!! That’s a goooood boy! Yes! Gooood doggy! Gooo-uh oh! No! No! Bad dog! Ack! Rinoa! You’d better bring your dog outside! Quick!!”

Meanwhile, Quistis was having the experience of a lifetime trying to fix the Ragnorak. And just when she needed help, the most helpful one of the SeeDs showed up!

“Hey Quistis!” Zell Dincht said. “Got any hotdogs?”

“No, for the one thousandth and fifty first time, Zell, I don’t have any hotdogs.” Quistis answered.

“Wow! I’ve asked that question one thousand and fifty one times? Cooool!” Zell said. Gawking at the Ragnorak, he stepped forward. “Hey! What’s this?” SNAP. Quick as lightning, Quistis turned her head. Zell held a piece of the wing in his hand. “Umm…I can fix this.” Was all he could say.

“Zell,” Quistis said slowly, “put the wing down and step away.”

“But I can!!” Zell insisted. The door banged open. In walked Irvine Kinneas.

“Howdy….I mean, Zell, man! I need you to help me with something!” He said.

“Hang on a sec.” Quistis said sarcastically, “Zell still has three more wings to break.”

“Hey!” Zell cried.

“Oh, Quistis.” Irvine said, “So how are the repairs going?”

“Let’s just say that it’s going so slow, you might want to take a picture of it so you can remember what it looks like.” She said.

“That bad, huh?” He asked. “Oh well! Better you than me! See ya!” And out the door he went. Zell followed.

Well, well! It’s lunchtime for the FF8 crew! Selphie is sitting at the table, eating her favorite lunchtime meal…

“Selphie!” Rinoa cried, “That’s just a bowl of sugar!!”

“Your point being?” Selphie asked as she poked another spoonful into her mouth.

“…” Was Rinoa’s reply. She turned to Zell. “What are YOU eating? It better not be sugar.”

“No! It’s…energy and power bars!! I buy ‘em by the truckload! Gotta keep fit so I can always do ‘My Final Heaven’ without any trouble! And so I can keep up with my dolphin friends, Ernie and Squeaky! You should meet them! They’re swell guys!” Zell answered cheerfully. Irvine waltzed in and plunked next to Selphie.

“Hey, baby,” he said in a casual voice, “do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”

“Huh?” Selphie didn’t quite understand. Muttering, Irvine decided to try another one.

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put ‘u’ and ‘i’ closer together!”

“…That’s nice.” Selphie said, still not getting the point. Irvine made up his mind to try his grand finale.

“My feet are getting cold,” he said, “cause you just knocked my socks off!”

“But Irvy!” Selphie said, “You’re wearing boots! How can your feet be cold?”

“Arrghhhh….” Irvine rubbed his forehead. “I give up!” Rinoa glumly stirred her cereal.

“Rinoa!” Selphie asked, “aren’t you gonna eat your breakfast? They’re magically delicious!” Rinoa murmured and rested her head on her hand, staring into the bowl. Suddenly, her eyes closed and her head slipped from her hand. Her face smashed into her cereal.

“Rinoa!?” Zell asked, “w-what’s wrong?!” He turned to Squall. “Dude! Your girl just zonked out!”

“…Whatever…” said Squall Leonheart. Zell turned, and saw that Selphie was having a similar case. She was leaning back in her chair, head back, snoring loudly. Zell quickly whipped around and saw Quistis fall into the sink, the water still running.

“What the heck is going on?!” Zell was confused. “Y-You don’t…think…”

“They went to that dream world, with Laguna and his friends.” Irvine observed.

Now, let’s go into the dream world, and have a look see, at Laguna see!

“Laguna!!” Kiros Seagull (caw!) said, “Will you PLEASE stop running around like that?! You’re embarrassing us and you look like an idiot!!”

“I DO NOT!” denied Laguna Loire, who ran bent over double. “I’m running like this so the enemy won’t spot us! We’re to smart for them! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!”

“If you haven’t noticed, Laguna,” Kiros stated, “you quit the army and your living in this dingie little town!!” Laguna thought for a moment, then went,

“Ohhhhhhhhhh….” he blinked. “Hey Ward! Why dontcha say sumthin?”

“…” said Ward Zabac. (If you played the game, you should know Ward hurt his throat and can’t really talk anymore)

“Laguna, I have some news for you.” Kiros said.

“Eh?” Laguna turned his attention to him. “Is it about that piano-playing chick?”

“Yup.” Kiros said. “It’s about Julia.” Laguna’s eyes widened as Kiros said her name.

“Leg cramp!!” Laguna cried as he fell to the ground, his leg going into spasms.

“…” said Ward.

“Ooookaaaaay…” Kiros said, “well anyway, she wrote her “Eyes on Me” song thing. You should hear it!”

“She wrote about eyes? I thought she was gonna write about ME!” whined Laguna. Kiros rubbed his eyes. “Of course,” Laguna continued, “I would never go down there and personally ask her to change it! I could never do something like that! This reminds of a little story that I…”

Two hours later…

“…but of course, I’m with Raine now, so what would Julia (leg cramp!!) care about me? I’m gonna pop the question soon, and I’m not really sure what she’ll say. In fact…”

Six hours later…

“…and Ellone is going to Preschool now, so I have all the time I want in the world! I just don’t know what to do! So much spare time! I made a life-size model of the Eiffel Tower out of toothpicks! You won’t believe what I can-”

“LAGUNAAAA!!!!!” screamed Kiros, “SHUT THE HECK UP BEFORE I CUT OFF YOUR HEAD WITH MY KNIFE…ER…TWO KNIVES!!”

“I’m sorry!” apologized Laguna. “But I just have to talk a lot! It’s in my genes!”

“Laguna,” said Kiros, “those are khaki’s you’re wearing.”

“Really?” asked Laguna, looking down at his pants. “No, I’m pretty sure they’re jeans! Actually, the word ‘pants’ comes from the Latin word ‘Pantaloon’, which means ‘English Trousers’! I had a pair of trousers once! They were a little tight at the waist! I had to buy a belt to…”

“S-so…BOREING!!” yawned Kiros. Ward lay sprawled on the ground, drool coming out of the corner of his mouth, and snoring very loudly.

“…I also had a pair of shoes, that I bought for 300 Gil! Boy, they were-what’s that sound?” Laguna paused and listened.

“That’s Ward, Laguna. He’s asleep.” Kiros managed, barely awake.

“That’s Ward?!” asked Laguna in astonishment, “I thought that was trucks downshifting on the highway!”

“Look around you! Do you see any cars?! What’s wrong with you? If I weren’t so sleepy, I’d g-” Kiros didn’t get to finish his sentence. He was fast asleep.

“Well!” said Laguna, “since you guys aren’t listening, then I guess I’ll go home and sleep in my microscopic bed! See ya’ll later!” And he ran off, in that bent over run.

Rinoa mumbled some inaudible words.

“Oh! Looks like their waking up!” Zell said, standing up. “I wonder what Laguna was doing this time?”

“Whatever…” said Squall. Selphie opened her eyes and looked around.

“Helloooo people!” She stretched. “I had a niiice sleep! And Sir Laguna was so attractive and cool! I wanna be just like him when I grow up!”

“Then we have a serious problem.” Quistis grumbled, slowly waking up. She touched her hair. “Why is my hair all wet?!” She asked.

“OH! That’s because your head fell in the sink with the water on!” Zell answered.

“And you didn’t do anything?!” She asked angrily.

“Of course I did!” Zell said defensively. “I turned it on ‘cold’ so you wouldn’t get scalded! Am I smart or what?”

“Are you dead or what is more like it!” Quistis snarled, “I’m gonna-GATCHOO!! Dawww!!! You made me catch a cold! Now who’s going to fix the Ragnorak?!”

“I willllll!!!” volunteered Selphie.

“NO!!!!” everyone yelled.

“I just wanted to help…” she whimpered.

“With your help it’ll fall apart in space!” Zell explained.

“You’re not a very good mechanic, Selphie.” Rinoa said softly.

“Yes I am!” Selphie said hotly, “Matron said I was! Just watch!” And with that, she ran into the large garage where they kept the (disheveled) Ragnorak, and much sawing and hammering ensued. In less than five minutes the Ragnorak stood there, shining, brand new, with even a new coating of paint and a wax job!

“See?!” Selphie panted. “I told you!”

“Hey! Let’s go for a ride! Nice job, Selphie!” Everyone cried. Selphie beamed.

Now, for a ‘ride’ they decided to go visit Laguna (the one in their time). So, firing up the engine, they took off and headed for the place in Esthar or wherever it is that Laguna stays. Once there, everyone got out except for Selphie.

“Selphie,” said Quistis, “we’re gonna let you park the Ragnorak THIS time because you did such a nice job in fixing it, ok?”

“OK!!” Selphie giggled. The gang headed inside. Laguna, Ward, and Kiros were all there.

“Well howdy do there, people!” Laguna said cheerfully.

“That’s my line!” said Irvine.

“Sorry.” Laguna glanced around. “Where’s that Selphie chick? I thought there were six of you!”

“She’s out parking the Ragnorak! We let her because she fixed the Ragnorak within five minutes!” answered Rinoa.

“Really?” asked Laguna. “Did I ever tell you the time I built my own house in 15 minutes?”

“You built your own house in 15 minutes?!” asked Zell in awe.

“Yeah!” interrupted Kiros, “and it only took 10 minutes to fall back down!” Laguna growled.

“Well,” he said, “if you want to see the boat that Kiros made, you’ll have to swim to the bottom of the ‘Spacific Ocean!”

“Oh you’d better back off!” Cried Kiros. Suddenly, the Ragnorak slammed into the side of the building. Dust and broken parts of the building were everywhere.

“Hey guys!” Selphie shouted from the window, “I found a parking space!!”

“This isn’t a surprise.” Quistis said sarcastically.

“…whatever…” Squall said.

“Don’t worry!” Laguna said, “We have the world’s top most mechanics here! They can fix it in a jiff!” Turning around, he walked to the phone, called the mechanics, explained the situation, and had them come over. A few hours wait, and voila! It was fixed.

“Let’s go into space, and leave (cough!) behind.” Suggested Quistis. “I really need a break from her.”

“Great idea, Quisty!” Selphie said. Quistis gave her a blank stare. She quickly summoned Carbuncle.

“Squeak! Squeak! (I’m so dang cute is what that means)” said Carbuncle.

“CUUUTTTTEEEE!!!!” Selphie screeched. And the chase began. While Selphie began chasing after Carbuncle, the other FF8 people jumped in the (fixed) Ragnorak and blasted off into space. After a while, Quistis sighed happily.

“Silence….” she whispered. “Total silence.”

“You said it.” replied Rinoa. A few minutes of silence passed. Then, a flush is heard in the bathroom.

“Pee-yu!!” said Selphie, coming out. “Quisty, do you have any cans that you spray nice smelling stuff with?”

“SELPHIE!!!” yelled both Quistis and Rinoa, “WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” Selphie opened her mouth to speak, paused, and looked at Carbuncle, whom she held in her arms.

“Carby?” she asked, “what ARE we doing here! I can’t even remember how I got here!”

“Squeak! Squeak! Squeaky! (Don’t look at me!)” was the reply. Suddenly, red lights began to flash, and messages popped up on all the screens.

“Warning. Warning. Code Red Alert. Code Red Alert.” It read.

“IIIIEEEEEEE!!!!” Quistis screamed, turning to Selphie, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!”

“Yes!…..wait a second….no.” Selphie said.

“IT MEANS WE’RE GONNA DIEEEE!! WE ARE BEING ATTACKED!! GREAT GOOGILY MOOGILY!!” Quistis hollered. Irvine ran in.

“What the heck is going on? All the lights are flas-SELPHIE!!” He leapt on her and hugged her, nearly chocking her to death.

“Save that for later!” Quistis cried, “We must DEFEND ourselves!” As Quistis finished talking, a picture came up on the main screen. “Waaauughh!!! Ultimecia!” Quistis cried in fear. “I thought you were dead!”

“Well…I WAS…but then I just…came back! And besides! A fanfic like this needs a villain like me! So SILENCE!”

“What’s it like being dead?” asked Selphie, who had escaped Irvine’s death grip. “Did you like it?”

“DID I LIKE IT?! GOOD HEAVENS, CHILD, ARE YOU ILL?! I WAS BURRIED SIX FEET UNDER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!” Ultemicia shouted. Quistis thought of an idea.

“Selphie!” she hissed, “get on the transport thing!”

“What?” asked Selphie. She walked over onto it. “Stand here?” Quistis jumped forward and slammed the ‘transport’ button. Selphie de-materialized and disappeared.

“OOOOOHHHHH!!!!” Irvine screamed. “Where did she go?!!”

“Just watch!” smiled Quistis. Ultemicia stared at them blankly.

“I….don’t understand….what…did you do?” she asked.

“OooooOOOOOHHHhhhhhhh!!” Quistis heard a voice, off screen. “Look at all the buttons!” Ultemicia’s head turned, and a look of sheer horror crossed her face.

“YOU PUT HER ON MY SHIP?!” she screamed.

“I wanna listen to the radio!” Selphie cried, now on the screen.

“NO! You fool! That’s the-” an enormous explosion rocked the heavens. “Gahh..too late…” Ultemicia's voice died away.

“Where’s my Selphie?!” Irvine cried. Selphie then appeared on the transport thing.

“They didn’t have any good radio channels!” she whined.

“Heh heh heh.” chuckled Quistis.

“Do we get good radio reception here?” Selphie approached the panel.

“NOOOOO!!!!”

The End