Fat Camp
By David Dunatov
Narrator: Hi FF Fans! I guess you got a hint for what the story will be today by the title.
Neighborhood Retard: DOING DOING!
Narrator: Um… Yeah, anyway, today one of the cast members will be sent to…..
Neighborhood Retard: DOING?
Narrator: NO! Fat Camp!
Neighborhood Retard: DOING…..
Narrator: Well, moving on, let’s see who it will be…..
(At Tifa’s Bar)
Barret: Pass me another brewski Tifa…..
Tifa: ;)
Barret: No, not your boob, a brewski, beer, not boob…..
Tifa: L
Cloud: Hey guys!
Cid: Great, the *)%*$ leader is here!
Cloud: And guess what I brought?
Tifa: Condoms?
Everyone: ?????
RedXIII: Hey, I thought we got her spayed…..
Cloud: um… anyway, I got some brochures.
Barret: Does it involve…
Cloud: NO!
Barret: L
(to not give away the persons name [-----------------])
Tifa: Is it for the Fat camp ---------- was supposed to go to?
Barret: Yeah, ------------ was complaining that stupid, uh…..
(DON’T GIVE IT AWAY)
Barret: Stupid…. Thing?
(there you go…)
Cloud: Well ---------- should settle up about it, he HAS to go!
Cait Sith: Hey everyone, what you all talkin’ bout?
(By now you should figure out who it is, if not, you must be slapped with a trout!)
Cloud: CAIT, TIME TO GO TO FAT CAMP!!!!
Cait Sith: Are you (*_%(%( kidding me?
Cloud: Nope….
Tifa: I swear on my truck-sized boobs!
Barret: *thoughts* ( . ) ( . ) *thoughts*
Tifa: Just stop staring and screw me upstairs….
Barret: OH YEAH!
Cloud: Ok, besides that very odd and confusing event, Cait, you are a fat ass.
Cait Sith: It’s the bottom half retard.
Cloud: That’s beside the point, you have to go to camp to work on your weight…
Cait Sith: It’s a friggin doll genius!
Cloud: I know your in denial, but we are here to save you…
Cait Sith: That’s it, im out of here.
Cloud: HOLD HIM DOWN!
Cid: I got his (*&%$ tows.
Yuffie: WTF are you guys doing?
Cait Sith: HELP ME, THOSE MOTHER @#)#)# ARE CRAZY!
Cloud: We are driving him to fat camp.
Yuffie: Count me in…
Cloud: Just call Aeris and Vincent.
Yuffie: Sure….
(Swipe!)
Cloud: HEY! I SAY THAT! GIVE ME THE ^*(^(_&% MATERIA BACK!
Yuffie: ok, ok, Mr. Grumpy.
Cait Sith: You will never get away with this; I’m calling my lawyer, A RESTRAINING ORDER IS IN THE ESSENCE!
Cloud: Yeah yeah, that’s what they all say!
Cid: They (%(( do?
Cloud: DUH!
Yuffie: Here they are!
Aeris: Ready, packed the healthy nutrition bars and the tar…
Cait Sith: NOT THE TAR!!!!
Vincent: ………………………
Cait Sith: NOT THE …………………!
Cloud: OH YES!
(Approaching the Gate for the fat camp)
Gate Keeper: To get through you must find my 6 mysterial stone from the volcano of …
Cloud: Yeah, Yeah, skip to the point. 50 gil?
Gate Keeper: DONE!
Narrator: Traveling through the campus, they see the horrible torture…
Cait Sith: TAR!!!!
Cloud: Only alittle…
Cait Sith: WORK!!!!
Cloud: Just alittle picking with the pick ax.
Cait Sith: RICHARD SIMMONS!!!
Cloud: AHHH!
(Swerve Swerve)
Cloud: NO SCARY THINGS WHILE IM DRIVING!
Cait Sith: ………. Arg ………….
Aeris: Ok, we are here!
Councilor: OK TEAM, out of the car and give me 2394!
Yuffie: Talk about a random number!
Councilor: That’s 2578 for you young lady!
Yuffie: -=mumble mutter=-
Cid: WAIT A *&&*%^* SECOND! I’M NOT DOING A SINGLE…..
Counceler: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cid: .....................
Vincent: ………………?
Cid: L
Cloud: That’s unfair, we only came to bring this guy….
Councilor: -=look look=- looks pretty skinny to me
Cloud: WHA?
Cait Sith: Ha ha! Suckers!
Councilor: ON THE DOUBLE FATTY’S, ON THE DOUBLE!
(After 48 hours of camp)
Cloud: Yuffie, stop trying to commit suicide with the hanger, it won’t work….
Yuffie: MUST… PENETRATE…. HEART……
Aeris: This is horrible…. I feel so frail…..
Cloud: J
Aeris: I can’t even do that… too…. Tired….
Cloud: NO! we will die here, we must come up with a plan….
Yuffie: Cid?
Cid: I don’t *&)*^$ know, they took away my ((&%&% cigarettes….
Cloud: Is that a tear…
Cid: NO! I’M (*^*(^&^ CHOCKIN BECAUSE OF ALL THIS CLEAN AIR!
Cloud: oh…
Yuffie: Where did they put Cait?
Cloud: He is in the councilor’s office sucking up to her and getting more food….
Aeris: I GOT AN IDEA!
Cloud: WHAT!
Aeris: wait, oh darn, forgot…
Cloud: ………..
Aeris: OH, WAIT, It’s back!
Vincent: ……………………?
Aeris: See Vincent, the only way to get out of here Is to seduce the councilor….
Vincent: ……………………..!
Aeris: RIGHT! We put a little Gin in her coke and play along until she gets wasted, then we leave.
Cloud: But what about the guard towers and the machine guns….
Aeris: True…
Cloud: And the gates….
Aeris: Right…
Cloud: And all the fat annoying kids who trail behind us and are too stupid to realize that they will get us caught!
Aeris: ENOUGH!
Vincent: ………………………….
Aeris: SHEOT VINCENT! YOUR RIGHT!
Cid: So all we have to do is steal the (&^&(%)& uniforms from the mother *&^*() and sneak through the front gate.
Yuffie: Sounds good to me!
Cloud: We will do it at the stroke of midnight….
(DING!)
Cloud: MOVE OUT!
Narrator: So they sneaked out of the bunkers creeping through the infrared beams and mines…
Cid: AHH ()()&)(&*, stepped in shit……
Cloud: SHHHHH!
Narrator: Then, they went to the Laundromats and stole some councilor outfits…
Cid: This is a little tight around the ^(^(_(&*) crotch…
Cloud: wonder why….
Narrator: Lastly, the checked up on the Head councilor to find her sleeping while Cait Sith was watching tv…..
Cait Sith: Stupid Raiders -=munch munch=- lost to the Texans -=munch munch=- Ha!
Cloud: Lets move out….
Narrator: As they approached the gate, the gatekeeper halted them.
Gate Keeper: Trade me 5 stones of tyrain……
Cloud: 100 gil…
Gate Keeper: SOLD!
Aeris: I think Cait saw us…
(Running to open the door)
Cait Sith: GUARDS! SEIZE THEM!!!!!
Cloud: RUN!!!
Narrator: The ran, and they ran, and they ran some more, until they ran a full meter.
Cid: TOO -=hack=- *(^*^* -=cough=- TIRED -=cough wheez=-
Cloud: There is no hope….
(VROOOOOM!)
Cloud: My truck!
Yuffie: While you retards where running into nowhere, I went to the parking lot and got the truck.
Cloud: WHY THE HELL DID IT TAKE YOU SO LONG?
Yuffie: I took the libery of warming it up….
Cloud: Aye!
Aeris: No time to talk, get in everyone!
Vincent: …………….!
Aeris: You said it Vincent!
Vincent: ………………..?
Aeris: How am I suppose to know what you said?
Narrator: So they blasted out of there, and just in the nick of time, RICHARD SIMMONS WOKE UP!
Cait Sith: o no! The got away councilor dearest….
Councilor: We lost another one……
Cait Sith: Let’s go get the……
Councilor: Hey, wait a sec… Someone put on alittle bit……
Cait Sith: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Narrator: I guess the moral for this story is, fat people should live in fat camps….. Merry Christmas everyone and a happy new year!!!!